It was a horrible evening. I was at the possible lowest mood, frustrated and depressed. To top it all, my ex and i had a really huge fight and i felt all alone. I had no one to talk to. The thought occurred to me, why not end it all? You will be spared from the hurt, disappointments and constant sorrow. I had watched a lot of movies and read a lot of books. I figured i'd fill my bath tub with water and plug my hair straightner and dryer in and drop it in the tub. Afterall, electrocution is an instant killer.
Maybe a part of me was deranged and the other really scared. I dont know. I found myself bringing out my passport, my SSN, writing down the numbers of my parents and my ex (incase the police found me).
I called my ex, he was already falling asleep and gibberishly, all i said was, i didnt want to talk to. I just wanted to say thanks for all he had ever done for me and to say goodbye. Probably something jolted in him, cuz the next thing, he came to full attention, asked me what i was talking about and told me not to get off the . I hung up, went to fill my bathtub. I had lost all sense of reason.
Looking back, i think the scared part of me took over. I kept lingering. I dont know why. I sat on the bathroom floor and the tears couldnt stop flowing. I knew i was automatically going to hell...
Twenty minutes later, My phone started ringing, it was the ex. asking me to come open the door. I had no lights on in the house and i forced myself to let him in. He looked scared. and on seeing all my supposedly suicide note, i think it almost gave him a heart attack. We talked, or rather he did the talking, the whole motivational thingy and stayed with me all night, waking up everytime i turned or wanted to get up.
The next morning, i came to my senses and was so afraid of myself. That was the first time suicide was crossing my mind. It was so selfish of me, i didnt even think about my mum or family. Being heartbroken is not a reason to die. A lot of people have survived it, many more will survive. I guess the part that i had no other person to talk to led to the whole idea.
Some of the many thoughts that crossed my mind that night was what would people remember me as? Had i done enough to affect lives? What will be said at my funeral? Will i be missed?
I am really scared of dying. I guess i couldnt go through with it that night because i am yet to fulfil my destiny.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
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wow...i'm so glad you didn't go through with it. And I hope things never get so bad that you think you're alone...matter of fact, if that time ever does come, u can talk to me, albeit anonymously and I'll listen. I promise
ReplyDeleteYOU!!!
ReplyDeleteGo to your mail box!!!!!
Gosh i gt so scared just imaginin that sum1 would want 2 end their life
ReplyDeletepls, pls nd pls dnt eva entertain that kind of thought again.........im so glad u dint go thru with it
Hmmm.. now that's real deep..
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you stalled.. & I'm glad you opened the door when he got there..
I'm sad though that you even considered it.. Noone is worth killing yourself over..Only Jesus is allowed ish like that..
Besides if you did get back with dude, it'll be for all the wrong reasons.. emotional blackmail..
ok.. I'm gonna shut up now..
Heyyyy! what? You were totally confused and extremely fraustrated, that's quite understandable considering what you had gone through but it is not enough for you you to contemplate suicide. Thank God You didn't go any further to do something stupid.That was really scary. Didn't you think of family?
ReplyDeletethanks God everything turned out well and you did not go through with it.. God has plans for you. its not in our hands to take our life
ReplyDeleteit is well
Thank God you didn't go any further. I've been in those shoes 3 times. Every time, my fear saved me too. Never again. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteDeep for real! I'm glad he came at the time that he did. You have a lot to live for Ms. I pray that you will never consider it again.
ReplyDeleteOh wow!! i'm sorry you even got to a point where u made plans to go that route but i'm glad you didn't go through with it. There is so much to live for...even when things look bleak please try and remember that.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't give yourself life don't allow yourself ever think you can take it.
It is well with your soul.
No matter how hard things get in your life. Always remember that there is someone out there who loves you and will do anything to see you happy. What will that person do when you are no longer here?? Think about that and I pray that you will have the strength that you desperately need at this time.
ReplyDeleteGosh.. I really thank God for making u hesitant and scared..and also for ur ex..
ReplyDeleteI pray u find/u've found the joy and contentment u deserve..
A cousin of mine took his life so this really hit home..
no way.... tell me its fiction cos if its not its deep ish... Good to know who ever it was didn't go thtru with it eventually!
ReplyDelete....difficult as it (relationship with the ex) must have been, i feel i should i put you on my laps and spank you. (ouch! did that sound hard?)
ReplyDeleteHow could the thot cross your mind to let 'em win with you giving it all up? Know you not that you have a beautiful life ahead of you?