Lets talk Friendship

The Script’s self titled album is playing in the background, I have one caramel and one custard doughnut in front of me while sipping a glass of wine. Why am i stuffing myself you may ask? I want to talk about friendship so ill need all the junk and alcohol. Hope to go running tomorrow. Pull up the curtains, camera rolling……

It was my 7th birthday. I wore the most beautiful pink ball dress a child could ever wish to own. My mum made a cake with a doll on it. I went to school with food and drinks. I was the envy of every member of my class. The teachers all greeted me, afterall, i was the birthday girl. the next day, i went to school in the usual uniform, i was back to normal, only my seatmate talked to me. I learnt my first friendship lesson- people only love you and talk to you for what you have to offer.

I left for high school at a very young age, my classmates were still in middle school. It felt weird being the youngest in class. I tried to blend in, got really good grades, was in a lot of societies, made friends or so i thought. I became many tutors' favourites, they made me monitors, and one day i realised people were talking about me. I was 10. I learnt my second lesson, when u do good, friends talk about u behind your back.

My parents decided they wanted a better school for me. I got transferred halfway thru. I met a few familiar faces i had gone to kindergarten with. I made new friends and was invited to join the most popular girl society. We became a group of friends, out of which i met my current best friend. Weeks later, a so called old friend said people were calling me a wanna-be, that im trying to hard to fit in. I didn’t go to school for 2days. I was upset. My new friends came to cheer me up while the so called old friends were no where to be found. I learnt my third lesson, friends don't like to see you do good and adjust in a new environment. I was 13.

I confided in a best friend about how much i had a huge crush on a hot guy. She swore to secrecy. Two weeks later, i got a call from the so called hot guy asking me out. Excitedly, i called my friend and told her about it. He never showed up or called. She advised me not to get in touch. At prom, she confessed she asked a random dude to prank call me acting like it was my crush. I learnt my 4th lesson, never tell secrets to anyone. I was 15.

I was having trouble with a boyfriend, i sought advice from a friend, she went ahead to change my story and told whoever cared to listen. I was 22.

A guy has been in love with me for 3years. We used to work together. Few weeks ago, he called me- ' remember the time i asked you if you were having an affair with that married man on the 8th floor and you said no?, turns out ur lying. Your friend told me you were' truth is, i lied to him then. My friend was the only one that knew and she even encouraged it. It happened in 2006, ive not talked to her in a year, i dont know why she told him.

After i broke up wit the last ex, i was alone. I got introduced to her. She really helped me settle, gave her access to everything, she screwed me over. The other girl that i also met through a really really funny story seems to take me as a close friend, but i keep finding out how she tells her other friends my business.

Is it karma? No, ive never screwed over another friend. The only time i did, i got caught in a she said- he said triangle, i vowed never to do it again. I was 9

I have held on to a few old friends and made new ones. Yet i have no bond or connection wit anyone. I crave the ya ya sisters kinda friendship, not the lauren and heidi one- no pun intended. Although the perfect friendships I seek can only be found on TV, im sure most people have similar ones in reality. I have no sister, i guess it would have been easier. Now i have two friends who i turn to, one doesn't understand and im guessing the other has had enough, she lives on the other side of the ocean. I have attempted a male friend, he comes through only when it has to do wit men problems, he also lives very far away.

I desperately want a friend who can be a sister and who i'm sure will not screw me over and vice versa.

I think i should be telling my therapist all these……..